Toxic relationships can cause a breakdown in people, families and the workplace. No relationship is perfect, in the personal or the business sphere. But for the most part, a good relationship makes you feel secure, happy, cared for, respected, and free to be yourself.
Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and get destroyed.
To start a new year or maybe you’re running a business, working with a partner, leading an organization, or managing a team, the last thing you need is a toxic relationship.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. On a basic level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better can become toxic over time. As defined by Verywellmind
Can I fix a toxic relationship?
Well, nothing in life is totally impossible. All relationships are worth fighting for, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be issues:
- Moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the order of the day;
- They avoid each other more and more;
- Every other things like work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.
If your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.
What are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship?
Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.
Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs.
1. Feeling bad all the time (Makes you unhappy)
You are always down and feeling bad. Not sure of what to do. Most times, you need more time to discover what your heart already knows. If someone is constantly making you unhappy, you owe it to yourself to let that person go.
2. Cannot do anything right
When you find yourself in a relationship where everything you do is not right, maybe the relationship is all wrong.
3. You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point
Everybody has a special need in every relationship. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are not met or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will hurt bitterly. If every time your attempt to talk about your need ends in disarray, then know you are in a toxic relationship. ,
4. When there is no ‘NO’ in the relationship
‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Anyone in any relationship should have the right to say no. Good relationships need compromise and also respect for each other. Your say has relevance and your opinion matters. A partner that loves you will respect and also agree with most if not everything you say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘NO’ to the relationship.
5. There’s no effort
If you discover that you are giving more than expected in a relationship, like when there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you. then, the relationship has stopped giving and is taking too much. This is another sign of toxicity in your partner or relationship.
6. Lack of trust
A relationship without trust is like a fish without the water or a night without the moon: The moment you notice your partner does not trust you and you are faithful. Guess it is time to move
7. Using your past against you (The score card)
A line in a song by Westlife says ” I am only human and sometimes I make mistakes” OH Yes! One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is part of life. What matters is how we learn, grow, and how we handle things.
Nobody is perfect. The most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. You do not need to bring it up over and over again on every slightest opportunity. If this occurs, it will slowly damage the relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ partner small. This has a way to control, shame and manipulate the other person. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.
8. Constant Quarrel and Arguement
You are always arguing, quarreling and fighting. Lack of tolerance and persistent argument can be time and energy-consuming. This can be draining and when you find yourself in this situation. Just know it is time to change lanes.
9. Physical or verbal abuse
No healthy relationship will harbor grudges or hurl abuses to the other partner. Passive-aggressive behavior tends to be hurtful. An abusive relationship is not limited to physical violence. It can include sexual, emotional and physical abuse, and may involve control of your finances.
10. Nothing gets resolved.
Every relationship has its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing works out because of chains of conflict that end in an argument.
11. Never-ending drama
Good relationships will improve your life; they don’t make it miserable.
12. Persistent self-betrayal
Whenever you find yourself doing things to please someone else (or partner), you’re in a damaging relationship.Itis manipulative and will do you no good as the other person will always manipulate you to do things against your will and this can lead to a devastating end for you. Be sure to quit while you have the time.
13. Lack of communication.
Poor communication in a relationship can break you and your significant other apart. Without communication, there is no relationship. Lack of communication can cause conflict that may damage your relationship. When there is a lack of communication, it can cause doubt and insecurity.
14. Jealousy
It is ok to experience jealousy from time to time but when it becomes excessive, then you need to check yourself. Jealousy is a destructive emotion: it has the potential to suffocate a happy bonding and break down the trust that was there.
Jealousy can cause you to experience a range of feelings, from insecurity and suspicion to rejection, fear, anger or anxiety.
15. Patterns of disrespect
A disrespectful relationship is one in which people don’t feel valued. It might be a relationship where one person is treated unfairly or even experiences abuse.
16. Angry When You Mention You Want to Meet their Family
A toxic partner is not worried about building a foundation with you and your family. A toxic lover takes zero interest in your family.
A partner in a healthy relationship will see this as the glorious opportunity it is: A chance to get in good with the (possibly) future in-laws. They will prep for it, like they would if they were going in for an interview at their dream job.
17. Secrecy and Privacy
“Secrecy is the act of hiding information. Privacy is about being unobserved — being able to have my own experience of life without the eyes of anyone else on me.” There is a difference between Secrecy and privacy.
Note: Secrets break trust, whereas privacy is simply not sharing certain parts of your life.
Just as humans need social interaction to stay happy and healthy, we also need a certain degree of privacy to function well in society.
Dr. Robert Weiss
Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your stuff, phone, text messages and others, this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. There is a problem of trust at play here and can be signs of a toxic relationship.
Also, if you observe your partner being too secretive, it is a sure sign of a toxic relationship.
18. Lies and Cheating
Do you know that Lying and cheating will dissolve trust in any relationship? Lies lead to loss of trust. There is a saying that once trust is gone, it’s hard to get it back. Even when it comes back, it’s likely be fragile – just waiting for the wrong move.
A relationship without trust can turn loving people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.
19. They Take Their Bad Days Out on You Instead of Opening Up to You
People sometimes have a bad day be it at work, or places. The difference is in how we treat and behave to others. A healthy partner will be able to see that you are not the enemy, and will resist the urge to take their bad feelings out on you. While a toxic partner will take their bad day out on you at the slightest provocation.
20. Your Partner Withholds or Demands Sex
Resentment is a type of unspoken anger that can poison otherwise happy relationships. Sexual withholding is a complex issue and it can fall into two categories.
- Sexual withholding as a form of abuse: Here, one partner deliberately withholds sex and affection from their partner as a form of punishment or blackmail. This strategy can be a form of control within the relationship.
- Sexual withholding as an avoidance strategy: This is a form of sexual withholding when your partner deliberately avoid sex and intimacy within the relationship from both or either partner. This can manifest in several ways, whether that be through refusal, avoidance or a more nuanced sexual disinterest.
We have a couple of post that addresses some sexual issues like: What happens when your man’s sex drive is lower than yours and Causes and Treatment of Low Libido in Men.
Healthy relationships know that we all have different levels of libido, and can work together so that our needs for both connection and physical intimacy are met and if a healthy intimate life means not having sex right now? An understanding and loving guy or lady will appreciate you want to wait.
21. They Refuse to Take Responsibility (Lack of support)
They stopped being positive or supportive of your goals. Whatever you do, they just do not care. This can be sighted as an indicator of toxic relationship
I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?
When you notice that your relationship seems to be toxic, it might be time to try to work it out with your partner and if it hits a dead rock. Then just take the exit door. You will always find someone that is meant for you. Do not manage a partner in a relationship as it can be your doom!
Look at the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.
And finally …
The most important thing is to recognize the signs of toxicity in a relationship — Identify if it’s in you or in your partner. Here are some summary signs of both toxic behaviors and healthy behaviors.
Summary signs of Toxic Relationship and Healthy relationship
Toxic Behavior in a relationship
- Insecure
- Jealous
- Negative
- Self-centered
- Selfish
- Critical
- Demeaning
- Distrusting
- Abusive
- Disrespectful
Healthy Behavior in a relationship
- Secure
- Loving
- Positive
- Giving
- Selfless
- Encouraging
- Uplifting
- Trustworthy
- Compassionate
- Respectful
People tend to be in a toxic relationship not as a result of their doing. It has nothing to do with the strength of character or courage or wisdom or stupidity.
Sometimes the toxicity grows and blind shields you and by the time you realize it, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.
Hence, this post is to help you spot such toxicity and know how to handle it from start before it gets out of hand.
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